Blogonymous

Postscripts From Blogsville.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Tony's War

Cherie: Tone, babe! You won the vote! Well done!

Tony: Thanks, Chezza.

Cherie: Now there won't be an inquiry into Iraq. That's good, isn't it?

Tony: Well... mixed feelings.

Cherie: Why's that?

Tony: Well an inquiry would have shown that everyobdy else is wrong, and I'm right.

Cherie: Yes. I suppose there is that.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Monday, October 30, 2006

Getting Real

Reporter: Beck's, there's a lot of speculation about you moving back to a Premiership club.

David: I'm going nowhere.

Reporter: Really? Are you sure about that, Beck's? There's no smoke...

David: Like McLaren's England, I'm going nowhere.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Sunday, October 29, 2006

Charles & Camilla's Adventures in Pakistan




Charles: Camsy, luv, I know we're in Pakistan and this is traditional dress but no-one's going to recognise us. We'll have to take them off.

Camilla: Not until I've sorted my hair out, OK Chazza?

Charles: You know best, Camsy.





© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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A Prudent Choice

Reporter: David Cameron says he'll put in a wind turbine and solar panels if he gets into No. 10. What would you put in, Mr. Brown?

Gordon: I'd have a nice pond with water lillies and lots of that weed stuff round the edges.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Saturday, October 28, 2006

Gozza: Do As I Say - Not As I Do

Reporter: Mr. Brown, what is your opinion on competitive sport in schools?

Gordon: I'm all for it. I feel there are very important for lessons for youngsters - particularly in the run up to the 2012 Olympics in Londodn. Open, fair competition is healthy.

Reporter: So you would want to do away with the "prizes for all" culture?

Gordon: Absolutely. Yes.

Reporter: So, open, fair and healthy competition for everything?

Gordon: Definitely. I'm all for it

Reporter: So are you about to call for an open, fair and healthy, competition for the Leadeship of the Labour Party?

Gordon: Er...

Reporter: And if you were to be elected leader after an "open, fair and healthy" competition, presumably you would call an imediate election?

Gordon: Thank you. Any other questions?



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Frog Blog 8

Frog: What are you so excited about, Gozza?

Gordon: The clocks go back tonight, Frog!

Frog: And...?

Gordon: That means if they go back to 1997 I can re-negotiate my deal with Tony.

Frog: Gozza... get a life.

Gordon: Croak.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Friday, October 27, 2006

Binge Drinking: Our Best Year Ever.

Hewitt calls for higher alcopop tax.

LONDON (Reuters) - Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt wants to increase tax on alcohol -- particularly the fizzy, sweet drinks known as "alcopops" -- to curb binge drinking among teens and young adults.


Teenager: Mum, can you increase my allowance, please?

Patricia: Why, dear?

Teenager: Well, alcopops have gone up.

Patricia: Oh. I see. OK, all right then. Have you ever thought about... drinking something else?

Teenager: Like...?

Patricia: Well, how about Fosters?

Teenager: Why?

Patricia: Well, it's a good Aussie drink.

Teenager: Mum, seriously, I'm not into drinking kangaroo piss, OK?

Patricia: No worries.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Snow White Wedding



Pete: [down on one knee] Hey, Kate, babe, will you, er... sort of marry me, whaddya think, eh?

Kate: Yeah, like, probably... whatever. What are you doin' down there, Pete?

Pete: Jus kneelin' on this papperazzi's head.

Kate: Hey, cool.







© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Frog Blog 7: Facing Up To It

Gordon: Frog, they're pioneering a full face transplant operation. Do you think I should have one to help overcome my charisma problems?

Frog: Er... what sort of new face would you want, Gozza?

Gordon: Young, dashing, intelligent, caring, showing a gsoh - though serious when required, and, of course, highly charismatic.

Frog: You mean you want David Cameron's face...?

Gordon: Croak.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Iraq: A New Strategy

George: [muttering under breath] Tony, what are we going to do about Iraq?
Tony: Just keep smiling.
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Monday, October 23, 2006

A Blue Rinse Shade Of Grey

David: So I call upon the elderly to paint themselves back into society. The older generation has a key role to play in the community, in the economy and in politics. That is why, in a first Cameron cabinet, I will be bringing back John Major, Margaret Thatcher, Norman Tebbitt and the smarmy guy who had an affair whose name I can't remember. And, of course, William Hague.

William: Hey hang on, Davo, I'm not that old.

David: You're older than me, mate. So that's old. And get some grey hair, while you're at it.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Secret Weapon?

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain must hold its nerve in Iraq, Foreign Minister Margaret Beckett said on Monday, while U.S.-British strategy there is increasingly questioned on both sides of the Atlantic.



Margaret: OK boys, you're doing a great job out here and you must hold your nerve: The Duke of Edinburgh won't be here for long.
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Sunday, October 22, 2006

Ships Of Fool

Tony: Jonno, I'm sure you're completely right, as always, but what's all this about getting prison ships?

John: Well, you see, Tony, our strategy of secretly letting prisoners escape to ease the pressure on the prisons has backfired.

Tony: Oh? How has it backfired?

John: People found out.

Tony: Oh. I see. Yes, the prison ships idea does seem like a good option. Carry on!

John: Or we could always machine-gun them...

Tony: What...?!

John: One of my very, very, very, rare jokes.

Tony: Yes. I didn't actually know you did jokes.

John: Want to hear another one? Who has a dog that is more intelligent...

Tony: Don't go there, Jonno, OK?

John: OK.
© BLOGONYMOUS 2006



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Friday, October 20, 2006

Jack Does The Decent Thing


Jack Straw chairs a meeting of his Blackburn Constituencey Labour Party.

The "new look" is a respose to demands from women in the constituency that Jack and his cronies should cover their faces as they felt "physically sick" at seeing them.

Mr. Straw commented that the women were "within their rights" to make such a demand and it was his duty, as an MP, to respond to such deeply held views.

Asked whether he thought that Tony Blair should also adopt this form of dress, Mr. Straw replied, rather cryptically, "Ah, but Tony already wears a mask".



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Pricking Clare's Conscience

Reporter: Ms. Short, would you like to comment on the suggestion, by his former mistress, that John Prescott's manhood is the size of a cocktail sausage?

Clare: Why do you think I'm campaigning for a well-hung parliament?



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Lady Madollar

Macca: 25 million.

Heather: No.

Macca: 30 million.

Heather: No.

Macca: 40 million.

Heather: No.

Macca: OK. My final offer. 50 million.

Heather: No.

Macca: What?! Why on earth not?

Heather: I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me, luv.

Macca: 100 million.

Heather: Done.

Later.

Macca: What am I going to do, John?

Ghost: Imagine there's no Heather. It's easy if you try.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Body Count

Interviewer: Mr. President, do you think there is a similarity between the Viet Nam war and Iraq?

George: Yes, I do.

Interviewer: And what would that simlilarity be, Mr. President?

George: Well, we've killed a lot of gooks.


© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Madonna & Child

Maddy: Hi, Sweetie. Welcome to your new home. How do you feel?

Dave: Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.



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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Blunkett's Folly 2

Soldier: This is the FN Minimi SAW or Squad Automatic Weapon, commonly used by NATO countries. The M249 SAW is the American variant.

Blunkett: Is it a machine gun?

Soldier: Yes, sir.

Blunkett: Is it loaded?

Soldier: Yes, sir.

Blunkett: Stand back, then. I'm going to fire.

Soldier: But sir, you're aiming at a full-length mirror.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Blunkett's Folly 1

Narey: So let me get this right, Home Secretary. You want me to call in the army?

Blunkett: Exactly! Do it immediately. We'll machine-gun the bastards.

Narey: But, Home Secretary, I don't think machine-gunning prisoners is going to go down too well PR-wise.

Blunkett: Not the prisoners, you idiot! The Warders!



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Monday, October 16, 2006

The Buzz-Word Queen Bites Back

Ruth: It is my belief that the biggest security issue we are facing is the hi-jacking, by extremists, of Buzz-Words. Are we doing enough to combat Buzz-Word piracy in schools? The illegal appropriation of Buzz-Words - particularly my own personal stock - is an issue for all sections of the community. In fact, I would even go so far as saying evidence-diversity-separation-ecological-globalisation-integration-cohesion-rapidly-changing-cultural-community-public-services-essential-services-critical-services-neighbourhood-devolution-difference-hospitalsjobsschools-geo-cities-geo-politics-geo-blancmange-resile.

Reporter: What about extremism, Ms. Kelly?

Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation-ecological-globalisation-integration-cohesion-rapidly-changing-cultural-community-public-services-essential-services-critical-services-neighbourhood-devolution-difference-hospitalsjobsschools-geo-cities-geo-politics-geo-blancmange-resile.

Reporter: Thank you, Ruth Kelly.

Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation...

Reporter: No, really... thank you.


[see also, The Buzz-Word Queen 26.9.06 & The Buzz-Word Queen Goes Window-Dressing 11.10.06]
© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Sex Crimes

Reporter: President Katsav, how do you answer the charges of rape?

Moshe: I categorically deny all the charges of sexual impropriety by all five women.

Reporter: Er... sorry, President Katsav. You misunderstand. I meant how do you answer the charges of the rape of Lebanon?


© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Sunday, October 15, 2006

All Clear For Take-Off

Interviewee: And am I allowed to wear a crucifix around my neck at work?

BA Manager: Yes, absolutely. So long as you wear it under a full veil.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

Tony Consults His Mickey Mouse Watch Again

Reporter: Prime Minister, do you agree with The British Army Chief's comments that we should withdraw from Iraq "sometime soon"?

Tony: Absolutely.

Reporter: Right. So what sort of time-table for withdrawal are we loking at?

Tony: 45 minutes.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

Simon Says...

Sion: Hey, dudes, listen up. I'm pretendin' to be Davo Cameron and I've put up all my greasy long hair under my bb cap to make me look like a dude and I'm gonna be street and out there so all you young hip cool dudes can dance wiv the tunes of New Labour and see what a fraud young Davo is. An if you ain't seeing this in visual I'm-a flicking my fingers like a rapper, K?

[massive big crashing sound which resounds for several minutes]

Sion: Wassat Tone, babe?

Tony: Thirteen and a half million computers being chucked out of windows.

Sion: Oh. Well, I'll take my web-cam broadcast down if Cameron asks me to.

Tony: Why the f*ck would he do that? He's got far more publicity out of you than he would ever have got otherwise. Hits on is webcam have gone up five thousand percent!

Sion: OK. Maybe I should stick to...

Tony: Maybe you should stick to being a greasy-long-haired tosser.



{No offence, Sion, baby}



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

More Bother For Gozza

David: Prime Minister do you back the Chancellor as your successor?

Tony: I don't resile from anything I have said before.

David: We all know you don't want the Chancellor, Tony. Surely I am your natural sucessor?

Tony: Yes, I know, Davo, but we have to go through the motions of putting up some sort of reasonable candidate against you - which is obviously not the Chancellor.

Gordon: [whisper] What does resile mean?

Ed: I think it's the noise a frog makes when it's squashed, Gozza.

Gordon: Oh. Right. Croak.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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The Buzz-Word Queen Goes Window Dressing

Ruth: The Moslems: evidence-community-separation-diversity-ecological-integration-cohesion-globalisation-rapidly-changing-cultural-public-services-essential-services-critical-services-neighbourhood-devolution-hospitalsjobsschools-geo-cities-geo-politics-geo-blancmange.

Interviewer: Haven't you said all this before, Ms. Kelly?

Ruth: Yes. But the words were in a different order.

[See also The Buzz Word Queen 26.9.06]

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Monday, October 09, 2006

Cab Ride To Dubyuhville

George: Good morning everyone. In my previous remarks to do with the War on Terror I have mentioned North Korea. It has come to my attention that the North Koreans have detonated a nuclear device. I send this warning to the North Koreans: wherever you pick up a fare, whatever the destination, however long your meter is running, the United States will track you down. We have your license plates on file...

Aide: [urgent whisper] Mr. President, sir, your former remarks included North Korea in the "Axis of Evil" not the "Taxis of Evil".

George: Thank you. Let me re-phrase that...



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Sunday, October 08, 2006

Frog Blog 6

Gordon: Frog! Tony's got a list of ten things to do before he leaves office! Can you help me compile my own list of things to do before he leaves office?

Frog:

1. Take charisma lessons.

Gordon: Why would I need to do that?

Frog: I rest my case.

2. Find out what GSOH means.

Gordon: Er...

Frog:

3. Get psychological help.

Gordon: What the hell...!

Frog: That's why you need a GSOH.

Gordon: Ah.

3. Get Alan Johnson caught in a honey-trap.

Gordon: Nice idea!

4. Send the boys round to John Reid.

Gordon: Even better idea!

5. Lose your Scottish accent.

Gordon: But I don't have one!

Frog: Lose it anyway.

6. Support the England team.

Gordon: I do!

Frog: No - support, not pretend to support.

7. Do some excercise.

Gordon: I'm perfectly fit!

Frog: Yes. But do some exercise.

9. Start blaming TB.

Gordon: Do you think that's wise?

Frog: It's bloody essential.

10. Stop claiming you're not really a frog.

Gordon: But I'm not.

Frog: Yes, but stop claiming it. People will think yo need psychological help.

Gordon: Now, look...!

Frog: GSOH remember.

Gordon: Ah. Is that ten? We seem to have got the numbers mixed up.

Frog: Wouldn't be the first time, Gozza, would it?

Gordon: Croak.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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What A To-Do...

Tony: Ten things to do before I leave office:


1. Have "Congratulations" cards ready for John and Alan [use as appropriate]

2. Have "Bad Luck" card ready for Gordon.

3. Drive through the Congestion Charge zone and refuse to pay.

4. Make Graham Norton Drugs Tsar.

5. Enrol Chezza in subtlety lessons.

6. Put ASBO Warnings on condom packets.

7. Restore Blunkett's sense or sight. Sight's probably best bet.

8. Publish the Hutton report, the Butler Report and the Budd Report in one volume called: "Vindication! Vindication! Vindication!"

9. Remind George that he'll have another year to go even though I'm stepping down.

10. Come up with scary anti-Tory slogan along the lines of: Cameron could be launched in 45 minutes.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Saturday, October 07, 2006

Worth The License Fee On His Own...

BBC: Graham, dear. So sorry about all this fuss and bother about your reported remarks.

Graham: Well, it is all getting just a teeny bit stressful.

BBC: Yes, of course Graham, dear, we do appreciate that. It's the last thing you need as a top TV presenter/icon/supertsar, isn't it?

Graham: You can say that again.

BBC: Well, to ease the pain of the preposterous situation you find yourself in, we, the BBC Board of Governors, have come up with a little sweetner for you.

Graham: Oh, yes?

BBC: Yes. Instead of paying your £3.5 million salary in cash we propose to pay it in drugs. Now how do you feel about that, Graham, dear?

Graham: Ecstatic.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Friday, October 06, 2006

Ken-doh! Tells It Like It Is

Ken: Oh, hello, Sir Iain. Could you send over a couple of protection officers, please?

Iain: Er... sorry, Mayor. They won't do it. They say they couldn't possibly protect someone who was responsible for the congestion charge.

Ken: That's proposterous! They're behaving like Nazi concentration camp guards!

Iain: Are you suggesting that they are just blindly following my orders?

Ken: Well, you're meant to be the boss. If they won't do it, you should sack them.

Iain: Are you saying I'm like Hitler?

Ken: No, Sir Iain. Hitler was an egomaniac dictator with a little prick. You're a little prick with an egomaniac dictator.

Iain: Thanks, Mayor. Just be careful when you get on the Tube.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006Align Right

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Berk or Burka

Jack: Er... hello? Gozza?

Gordon: Croak... yes, Jacksy.

Jack: Look, I think I've hit on something.

Gordon: Yes?

Jack: Well, you know how low your image-rating is with the public?

Gordon: Ye-es...

Jack: And how you lack charisma.

Gordon: Ye-es...

Jack: And how some people - not me of course - think you look a bit like an over-sized frog?

Gordon: Do they?

Jack: Well, I think I've got the answer. We put you in a full veil - and then no-one will realise all your shortcomings. Good, eh?

Gordon: And then we remove it when I'm Prime Minister, you mean.

Jack: Er... no.

Gordon: Ah. Croak.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Power of Three

David: So, Conference, Tony Blair summed up his priorities in three words:

Education, Education, Education.

I can do it in three letters:

N H S. Nice Happy Style - No Heavy Substance.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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West Lothian Question

Boris: Well, Gozza, it's like this. You, a Scot, cannot be Prime Minister of England.

Gordon: I think you will find, Fatso - it is alright to call you that isn't it? - I think you will find that it is constitutionally...

Boris: Gozza, you, a Scot, who is also an MP for a Scottish seat, cannot be Prime Minister of England.

Gordon: No, no. Constitutionally...

Boris: No, Gozza! You, a Scot, who is also an MP for a Scottish seat, who will be unelected by anyone for PM especially us in England, cannot possibly, under any circustances, be Prime Minister of England.

Gordon: The British constitution...

Boris: NO, Gozza! [pause] OK. Let me put this as plainly as possible. We're not having a f*cking frog as Prime Minister. OK?

Gordon: Croak.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Bozzer's World

Boris: Yes, I do believe there are many words and phrases we should reclaim from the PC Police.

Reporter: Such as?

Boris: Fatso. I don't mind being called Fatso. I say, bring it back!

Reporter: OK, Fatso. What else? Catamite?

Boris: Well...er..

Reporter: Petronella?

Boris: Look...

Reporter: Scouser?

Boris: Perhaps...

Reporter: Cannibalism & Chief killing?

Boris: Ho-hum...

Reporter: Or how about the old FEP sobriquet?

Boris: Now that I do approve of. Meaning - Future English Prime Minister of course.

Reporter: Er... no. Meaning - F*cking Educated Prick.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Keep Digging, Ozzy

Landscaper: Nice garden, Mr. Cameron, sir.

David: Thank you.

Landscaper: Now where do you want me to plant all these oak trees? Over here on the left?

David: Oh, no. I don't think so.

Landscaper: On the right?

David: Well... I'm not sure about that. Don't think that would be the best place. What do you think, Ozzy?

George: Well I'm with you, Davo. Whatever you think.

Landscaper: How about I plant them right down the middle?

David: Now that's a good idea. Excellent! Good-oh! We'll be calling you Capability Brown next.

George: Unlike Incapability Brown in no. 11!

David: Now, Ozzy. You know what we said about gardener jokes.

George: Sorry, Davo.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Monday, October 02, 2006

Virtual Realities

David: Let me introduce the web.cameron - BBC and ITV better watch out. On here we're going to explain all about the Conservative Party directly to you...

Child: Daddy...

David: Yes...?

Child: Why are you talking to the wall?

David: Well... there's this little camera...

Child: But Daddy, there's no-one there. No one's listening to you.

David: Well...

Child: Mummy, Mummy! Daddy's talking to himself!



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Sunday, October 01, 2006

Mighty Oaks

Aide: Right. So, Davo, Monday it's Conference.

David: Conference? What's that?

Aide: The whole Party gets together to discuss policy in a jubilant mood of self-congratulatory euphoria.

David: Oh, good-oh. Is it green?

Aide: Er...

David: Because I won't go unless it's green.

Aide: Well, we've got a new oak tree logo...

David: Have we? Good-oh. That's green enough for me.



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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Frog Blog 5

Frog: Gozza, what is your honest evaluation of Tony?

Gordon: Clever, funny, articulate, engaging, has a rapport with the party, understands the voters, the best Labour Leader ever, the most successful Labour Prime Minister - the list is endless.

Frog: And what are the chances that the person who follows can emulate him and be sucessful?

Gordon: Er...

Frog: Come on, Gozza. A prudent evaluation, please.

Godon: Nil.

Frog: And do you think he realises that, too?



© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

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