Postscripts From Blogsville.

Friday, May 02, 2008

In The Lobotomy Lounge

REPORTER: So, Boris, How does it feel to be Mayor.

BORIS: Well, I always said that the people of Liverpool are wonderful forgiving people and they have demonstrated that by voting for me in their droves.

REPORTER: Er... yes, Boris. But you're Mayor of London.

BORIS: Really. Right. OK. Where's London? Have I insulted it yet?


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LonDon not KenDon

REPOTER: Ken, what's your reaction to the result?

KEN: I'm looking forward to my third term as London Mayor.

REPORTER: But you lost! Look, it says it here on the front page!

KEN: Everyone knows that The Evening Standard has been waging a long campaign against me. You can't believe a word they print.

REPORTR: OK. Right. So, you seem to be in denial, Ken.

KEN: Did you use to work for the Gestapo?


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Frog Blog 9: Local Execution Results

FROG: Gozza, why are you whistling? You've been slaughtered at the polls!

GOZZA: Yes, Frog. But I've just got my new Artic Monkeys cd.


GOZZA: Croak. Big croak.


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Saturday, June 02, 2007

Handbags At [Gordon's] Dawn

So, after ten years of Tony Blair's New Labour project it can all be encapsulated in one succinct, catch-all, revealing sound-bite:

"In the end it all comes down to how much you are prepared to spend on a handbag"

Harriet Harman: fifty quid.

Hazel Blears: two hundred and fifty quid.

John Prescott: depends who its for - wife or mistress.

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Glad To See Andy Duncan's Retained His Sensitivity


So, everyone, after the Celebrity Big Brother racism row I would just like to say:

1: Sorry.

2: Really sorry.

3. No, really, we're really really sorry and nothing like it will happen again.

And I can announce that we will be showing explicit pictures of Princess Diana in the immediate aftermath of her fatal crash on a programme next week.


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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

How Now Browne Kow-Tow


So I can announce the new rules on combat troops and the press:

Any member of the armed forces wounded, captured or held hostage will not be allowed to benefit from their ordeal by sellng their story to the press.

Any fatality, though, will be allowed to sell their story to the press. To this end the Ministry of Defence will retain a list of approved Medium's to facilitate this process.

Yes, I'm back.

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Too Goody To Be True


How are you enjoying India, Jade?


I'm here on a private visit, for four days. People have been really nice out here.
It's private and there's no cameras or anything. I've paid for the trip myself. That's all I want to say.


And where are you going next, Jade?


Oh, I'm just going to join the dogs and eat with my fingers down in Poppadom City.



Sunday, February 25, 2007

Waiting For Gordo

Rory: Mrs. Beckett? This is Rory Bremner here. I just wanted to 'phone up and apologise...

Margaret: Oh, stop it, Gordon! I know it's you!


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Thursday, February 22, 2007

For Grandma And Country

Harry in combat gear

In a written answer in the Commons, Secretary of State for Defence, Des Browne, confirmed that the 1600 troops to be withdrawn from Iraq soon will be replaced by 1600 bodyguards, minders, batmen and secret service agents who will accompany Prince Harry wherever he goes in Iraq on his tour of duty.

When asked whether it might be cheaper to keep the Prince at home,
Mr. Browne replied:
"Well, it's the night clubs - they've requested he be sent so that they can have some
much needed R&R".


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Monday, February 12, 2007

Naming Of The Beast

Cameron: It was only a little bit

Reporter: Mr. Cameron, can you tell us, please, did you smoke cannabis when you were at Eton?

David: Well, we used to call it Whiffombulus-Spliffabees so if I did, it wouldn't count anyway.

Reporter: And did you use cocaine when you were at Oxford?

David: Well, again, we used to call it Snortlelee-Chortlelee and therefore even if I did it wouldn't count.

Reporter: When you worked for the Conservative Research Unit did you take ecstasy?

David: You mean Crazy-Floaty-Candy Stuff? How the fuck should I know? I was so off my face by then that I can't remember what I did take or didn't take.


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Thursday, February 08, 2007

Card Fraud

Helen Starkey, Headteacher:

  • Now children, we are not going to make Mother's Day cards just in case some of you don't have Mothers

  • And we will not be making Easter cards just in case some of you eat too many Easter eggs and become obese.

  • And we will not be making Christmas cards just in case some of you don't believe in Father Christmas.



Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The View From The Home Office

John: These letter bombs are very worrying. They are obviously being sent by someone with a bit of a grudge against the motoring authorities.

Reporter: Home Secretary, isn't it more likely to be a complete fucking madman with a psychotic passion for harming his fellow human beings?

John: Well, at the Home Office we take a more relaxed view about these things.


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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Bidding Goodbye


Look, everyone. This is getting really serious. The Police are arresting people right left and centre and I'm going to be subjected to questioning, like a common criminal, for a third time. How the hell could they possibly have got on to us?

Lord Levy:

Well, Tony. Er... I think it was your idea... er... the idea to sell the Honours on ebay that was the er... fly in the ointment, so to speak.


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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Forward Planning

The No. 10 door is taken away for a new coat of whitewash

Cherie: Tone, Babe, what happens if Lord Levey, Ruth Turner, Des Smith - and even you - are convicted of this cash for honours thing?

Tony: It's OK, Chezza. We've thought of that. We've filled the prisons so full that there won't be any room for us.


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Monday, January 29, 2007

Register Of Members

Official: Now, you are being placed on the Sex Offenders' Register. Do you understand?

Paedo: Yes.

Official: That means we require to know your permanent address. OK?

Paedo: Yes. It's 2, Marsham Street, London, SW1P 4DF

Official: Good. Is there a house name at all?

Paedo: Yes. The Home Office.

Official: Thank you. Is there any one who can vouch for your movements there?

Paedo: Yes. Mr. J. Reid.

Official: Excellent! That all seems to be in order. Just let us know if you move, OK? Any questions.

Paedo: Yes, I do actually. How long do I stay on the Register?

Official: What Register?


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Saturday, January 27, 2007

Not Me, Guv

  • Police have had their knuckles rapped for not chasing thieves who escaped on two stolen motorbikes because "the thieves weren't wearing helmets".
  • A twelve-year old girl has received a $50 fine from Kent County Council because she didn't collapse a cardboard box that she left by a re-cycling unit.
  • A Westminster man has got off scot-free despite allowing the contents of his home office to spill out over the country confusing everyone and making us look ridiculous in the eyes of the world.


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Friday, January 26, 2007



Let me get this straight, Prime Minister. We are allowing paedophiles, who pose a clear threat to children, to walk free from court, escaping a custodial sentence. But a journalist who listens to some rather mundane voice messages left by members of the Royal Family is locked up. Is that correct?

Tony: Yes.

Reporter: Could you explain that policy to us, please?

Tony: Our priority is the welfare of the Royal Family. We said our priority was children but we obviously didn't mean it.


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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Adopting The Position

Tony: The position is this. There will be no exemptions for any Adoption Agencies. Except where a Gay couple is also a Catholic couple. Then they should follow their own consciences. OK? Is that clear? And, no, I'm not a member of Opus Dei. And I'm not intending to convert to Catholicism.

Cherie: Ahem.

Tony: Yet.


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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

State Of The Onion

Fellow Americans.
We all love our automobiles. And gasoline consumption in our country is running at 120%. So I propose to reduce that consumption - by 20% over the next ten years. Then it will be down to 100%. This will help the eco-structure of the planet, reduce harmful emissions and please statisticians everywhere.

Additionally, I intend that our country should reduce invasions of other countries by 20%. OK, I know what people will say: this will mean more of our troops at home thus increasing gasoline consumption. But I say to those people: Hey, those are the breaks, kid.

Finally, I intend to reduce the number of States by 20%. This involves painful decsions, of course, but it means that we are going to have to let the people of the several States* of the United Kingdom go it alone and finally become a fully independent country.They deserve our gratitude, but once Tony steps down we'd never be able to count on the unwavering support of that dumb Scotch guy they're bringing in.

*According to Mr. Bush, the 12 States that represent the 20% reduction are: England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Isle of Man, Channel Islands, Liverpool, Essex, Isle of Dogs, Greenham Common, France, Europe.


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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Every Home Should Have One

Endemol, the company that makes Big Brother, has seen its shares leap by 10% since the row about racism erupted.

After a hastily covened board meeting today, a spokesman made the following statement:

"Due to the obvious popularity of the Big Brother format and the dynamic tension created amongst the Housmates with the ensuing highly desirable public debate about important issues in our society, Endemol is pleased to announce that it it will be piloting three new shows this year. Working titles of these three shows are:

  • It'll Be All White On The Night.

  • Never Mind The Muslims

  • Segregation Street

I am quite sure that these new shows will earn their rightful place in the affections of the Great British viewing public in the same way that Big Brother has done".

Channel Four, which has seen the Celebrity Big Brother ratings soar, has announced that it will not now be comissioning the new show Spot The Racist. This is due to Channel Four Board Member Lord Putnam's intervention, who is quoted as saying: "The British Public would not want to see the victimsation, or the perceived victimsation, of racists in such a format".



Monday, January 22, 2007

John Reid's Ship Comes In [Again]

Beachcombing scavengers on the Devon Coast were surprised to find that several containers, from the stricken vessel MSC Naploli, contained people. Believing they were illegal immigrants the authorities were alerted and the police mounted an operation to cordon off the beach and question the suspects. They all turned out to be British and residents of Her Majesty's Prisons.

Apparently the Home Office, in its increasingly desperate attempts to keep the prison population under control, has been hiring containers, filling them with prisoners and leaving them to serve their sentences sailing back and forth across the oceans.

The prisoners have been offered various inducements, thought to be remission of sentence, cash bonus on release, extra cigarette rations and the chance to appear on a new reality TV Show - Big Porridge.

When Home Secretary John Reid was asked if this is what he meant by purchasing prison ships he replied: "People shouldn't jump to the wrong conclusions here. The literally hundreds of containers on this ship contained a great variety of goods from motorbikes to nappies. We mustn't get things out of proportion. Only a very tiny percentage contained people".


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Saturday, January 20, 2007

Hilary Rodham Clinton - Come On Down!

Hilary: I am announcing today my candidacy for the Democratic Nomination for the President of the United States of America! I'm in! And I'm in to win!

Reporter: Mrs. Clinton, is there any truth in the rumour that Monica Lewinsky is to be your running mate?

Hilary: Close. But no cigar.

[ca va Mb - pour tu - à coup sûr]



A Game Of Two Halves


I can today announce a new initiative at the Home Office. It is going to be split into to two distinct parts. The first will deal with everything that the Home Office currently deals with. The second, which will have the same budget, the same number of civil servants and the same number of Home Office Ministers, will deal with all the mistakes that the first part makes.
By the way - I've hurt my finger. Has anyone got a plaster?


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Friday, January 19, 2007

Goody Gum Drops


I'm the 25th most influential person in the world, apparently.

And here's that list you've all been waiting for...!

25: Jade Goody

24: The Cat in the Flintstones

23: Alf Garnett

22: The Security Guard outside the BB House door

21: A cocktail sausage

20: The ghost of Enoch Powell

19: Shilpa Shetty's third Handmaiden

18: Teddy Sheringham

17: Michael Jackson's Plastic Surgeon

16: Max Clifford

15: Sven Goran Erikson

14: Pete Best or Pete Docherty or some other loser
called Pete

13: Lord Lucan

12: Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards

11: Ronnie O'Sullivan's Press Agent

10: Harold Pinter's Milkman

9: The Little Man who sits on Tony's bed and

whispered in his ear "Invade Iraq"

8: Max Clifford

7: Jade's Elocution Teacher

6: P.W. Botha

5: a Banana. Or a Monkey Chant

4: George Galloway's cat

3: Borat

2: The Man who thought it would be clever to

swap an "H" for a "B"

1: Nelson Mandela

[No... just kidding...]

1: Andy Duncan



Crime Prevention Officers

Police in Hertfordshire have surrounded a House after reports that one of the Housemates was being stabbed by up to three others. A police spokesman said that when one of the alleged stabbers left the house in a couple of days then the police would interview her.

When it was suggested that surely prevetion was better than cure and shouldn't the police intervene imediately to prevent further stabbings occurring, the spokesman said:

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Uniform November Tango Foxtrot Alpha Charlie Echo.


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Rivers Of Blood

It has been reported that the Offices of Channel 4 have been broken into. Items stolen include Channel 4 boss Andy Duncan's polo shirt and a file containing information about the next Celebrity Big Brother. Clebrities already signed up so far are said to be
Nick Griffen and Diane Abbott.

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Celebrity Little Englander

Reporter: Mr. Brown, you say that you would like Britain to be seen as against racism and intolerance . Do you think Jade Goody would agree with you?

Gordon: Well of course not. She's English.


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The Acceptable Face Of Racism

Indian Reporter: Mr. Duncan, as Chief Executive of Chanel Four, are you happy with all the content of Celebrity Big Brother?

Andy: Absolutely. Yes.

Indian Reporter: You find no racist elements in the treatment of Shilpa in the House?

Andy: Not at all. No.

Indian Reporter: Doesn't that suggest, because you can't recognise the racist content, that you yourself are a racist, Mr. Duncan?

Andy: Look, I'm not prepared to take lessons on racism from any brown-skinned, low-life Paki, like you. OK?


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Gods Of The Lesser Children

News that protestors have been burning

Big Brother effigies

on the streets of India

have sparked fears that when

the effigies living in
the Big Brother House

get out
they might also get burnt.



Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Charlie takes His Customary Constitutional

The Rt Hon Lord Falconer of Thoroton QC

Secretary of State for Constitutional Affairs
and Lord Chancellor


On this day, the three hundredth anniversary of the Act of Union, I would like to lend my support to the view that the Union today is as strong as it's ever been. As evidence of that I would like to announce the result of a poll I have conducted. The idea of an English Parliament has been totally and unanimously rejected by the large, representative sample of the population I polled:

the inhabitants of West Lothian.


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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Bay Watch 2


As we celebrate the fifth anniversary of the Guantanamo Bay Detention Centre, it gives me enormous pleasure and pride to announce a new initiative concerning Guantanamo. Today, the public will be given the chance to vote one of the contestants out of the Camp!

Yes - one lucky guy will be free this time next week.

Call toll free TERROR + the contestant's number

[a complete list will be shown at the end of this broadcast].

And we intend to continue with this new initiative on every subsequent anniversary,

allowing the public to vote off one contestant each year. Which means - yes, you're probably ahead of me on the math - that the final contestant will be voted off in the year

2403 AD.

Good night. God Bless America!



Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Big Brother Is Watching You, Mr. Reid

John: I'm afraid I have some more bad news to announce. Through some fault in the Home Office filing system - which really is not fit for purpose [what the fuck Blunkett was doing here all those years is a matter for speculation] - it has come to our attention that a further category of criminals has slipped through the net. Apparently, one of the Big Brother cotestants has been in the House before. This is obviously totally unacceptable and I am going to put measures in place to ensure it can't happen again. Public security is paramount. I'm afraid, at present, the Home Office represents all that is bad about this country.


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Monday, January 08, 2007

Running Down The Country

Ruth: Cow!

Hazel: Bitch!

Ruth: Tart!

Hazel: Git!

Tony: Girls, girls, calm down! What on earth's the matter, babes?

Ruth: I should be Minister for Hypocrisy. I'm much better qualified than her.

Hazel: No you're not! I'm the incumbent so fuck off! The Ministry of Hypocrisy is mine. Keep your hands off. Go back to the Ministry for Buzz Words, Buzzy-body!

Ruth: Fuckwit!

Tony: Now hold on. Look Ruth, I really need you to continue at Buzz Words because you are very definitely the best in the business.

Ruth: Thank you, Tony.

Tony: But what we can do is this. We can make you the Minister for Shafting The Public as well. How about that?

Ruth: Minister for Buzz Words AND Shafting The Public? Excellent. Thank you, Tony.

Hazel: What about me?

Tony: And, Hazel, you can be Minister for Hypocrisy and Taking The Voters For Granted.

Hazel: Wonderful, Tony. Thank you. Happy now, Ruth?

Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation-ecological-globalisation-integration-cohesion-rapidly-changing-cultural...

Tony/Hazel: Yeah, thanks Ruth. Catch you later. [exit]




Sunday, January 07, 2007

The Blair Babes: Where Are They Now?

Mostly in Tony's Kitchen er... sorry... Cabinet.

Hazel Blears: Minister for Hypocrisy

Harriet Harman: Minister for Looking Pretty

Ruth Kelly: Minister for Buzz Words

Patricia Hewitt: Minister for Vacuous Platitudes & No Worries

Margaret Beckett: Minister for Caravans

Tessa Jowell: Minister for Italian Affairs

Hilary Armstrong: Minister for Cobbling Together Something That May Pass As A Policy

Baroness Amos: Minister for Polishing Tony's Ego

Jaqui Smith: Minister Without Recognition

Clare Short: Minister for Truth

John Prescott [Honoury Babe]: Minister for Cocaktail Sausages

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Saturday, January 06, 2007

New Labour's Legislative Jewell In The Crown

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Twelve Hunted Foxes

Eleven Forged ID Cards
Ten Lords a-leaping

[because they got their Honours for Cash]

Nine Middle Class Taxes
Eight Asylum Seekers

[per hour]

Seven Vats of Whitewash
Six Bursting Prisons

Five Golden Spins
Four thousand ASBO's

Three Cherie faux pas
Two Blunkett Sackings
And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.



Friday, January 05, 2007

Identity Crisis

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Eleven Forged ID Cards

Ten Lords a-leaping
[because they got their Honours for Cash]
Nine Middle Class Taxes

Eight Asylum Seekers
[per hour]
Seven Vats of Whitewash

Six Bursting Prisons
Five Golden Spins

Four thousand ASBO's
Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett Sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.