In The Lobotomy Lounge

REPORTER: So, Boris, How does it feel to be Mayor.

BORIS: Well, I always said that the people of Liverpool are wonderful forgiving people and they have demonstrated that by voting for me in their droves.

REPORTER: Er... yes, Boris. But you're Mayor of London.

BORIS: Really. Right. OK. Where's London? Have I insulted it yet?

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LonDon not KenDon

REPOTER: Ken, what's your reaction to the result?


KEN: I'm looking forward to my third term as London Mayor.


REPORTER: But you lost! Look, it says it here on the front page!


KEN: Everyone knows that The Evening Standard has been waging a long campaign against me. You can't believe a word they print.


REPORTR: OK. Right. So, you seem to be in denial, Ken.


KEN: Did you use to work for the Gestapo?

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Frog Blog 9: Local Execution Results

FROG: Gozza, why are you whistling? You've been slaughtered at the polls!


GOZZA: Yes, Frog. But I've just got my new Artic Monkeys cd.


FROG: Oh.


GOZZA: Croak. Big croak.

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Handbags At [Gordon's] Dawn

So, after ten years of Tony Blair's New Labour project it can all be encapsulated in one succinct, catch-all, revealing sound-bite:

"In the end it all comes down to how much you are prepared to spend on a handbag"

Harriet Harman: fifty quid.

Hazel Blears: two hundred and fifty quid.

John Prescott: depends who its for - wife or mistress.

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How Now Browne Kow-Tow

Des:

So I can announce the new rules on combat troops and the press:

Any member of the armed forces wounded, captured or held hostage will not be allowed to benefit from their ordeal by sellng their story to the press.

Any fatality, though, will be allowed to sell their story to the press. To this end the Ministry of Defence will retain a list of approved Medium's to facilitate this process.

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Yes, I'm back.

Waiting For Gordo

Rory: Mrs. Beckett? This is Rory Bremner here. I just wanted to 'phone up and apologise...

Margaret: Oh, stop it, Gordon! I know it's you!

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For Grandma And Country

Harry in combat gear

In a written answer in the Commons, Secretary of State for Defence, Des Browne, confirmed that the 1600 troops to be withdrawn from Iraq soon will be replaced by 1600 bodyguards, minders, batmen and secret service agents who will accompany Prince Harry wherever he goes in Iraq on his tour of duty.

When asked whether it might be cheaper to keep the Prince at home,
Mr. Browne replied:
"Well, it's the night clubs - they've requested he be sent so that they can have some
much needed R&R".

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Naming Of The Beast

Cameron: It was only a little bit

Reporter: Mr. Cameron, can you tell us, please, did you smoke cannabis when you were at Eton?

David: Well, we used to call it Whiffombulus-Spliffabees so if I did, it wouldn't count anyway.

Reporter: And did you use cocaine when you were at Oxford?

David: Well, again, we used to call it Snortlelee-Chortlelee and therefore even if I did it wouldn't count.

Reporter: When you worked for the Conservative Research Unit did you take ecstasy?

David: You mean Crazy-Floaty-Candy Stuff? How the fuck should I know? I was so off my face by then that I can't remember what I did take or didn't take.

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The View From The Home Office

John: These letter bombs are very worrying. They are obviously being sent by someone with a bit of a grudge against the motoring authorities.

Reporter: Home Secretary, isn't it more likely to be a complete fucking madman with a psychotic passion for harming his fellow human beings?

John: Well, at the Home Office we take a more relaxed view about these things.

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Bidding Goodbye

Tony:

Look, everyone. This is getting really serious. The Police are arresting people right left and centre and I'm going to be subjected to questioning, like a common criminal, for a third time. How the hell could they possibly have got on to us?

Lord Levy:

Well, Tony. Er... I think it was your idea... er... the idea to sell the Honours on ebay that was the er... fly in the ointment, so to speak.

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Forward Planning

The No. 10 door is taken away for a new coat of whitewash

Cherie: Tone, Babe, what happens if Lord Levey, Ruth Turner, Des Smith - and even you - are convicted of this cash for honours thing?

Tony: It's OK, Chezza. We've thought of that. We've filled the prisons so full that there won't be any room for us.

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Register Of Members

Official: Now, you are being placed on the Sex Offenders' Register. Do you understand?

Paedo: Yes.

Official: That means we require to know your permanent address. OK?

Paedo: Yes. It's 2, Marsham Street, London, SW1P 4DF

Official: Good. Is there a house name at all?

Paedo: Yes. The Home Office.

Official: Thank you. Is there any one who can vouch for your movements there?

Paedo: Yes. Mr. J. Reid.

Official: Excellent! That all seems to be in order. Just let us know if you move, OK? Any questions.

Paedo: Yes, I do actually. How long do I stay on the Register?

Official: What Register?

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Not Me, Guv

• Police have had their knuckles rapped for not chasing thieves who escaped on two stolen motorbikes because "the thieves weren't wearing helmets".
• A twelve-year old girl has received a $50 fine from Kent County Council because she didn't collapse a cardboard box that she left by a re-cycling unit.
• A Westminster man has got off scot-free despite allowing the contents of his home office to spill out over the country confusing everyone and making us look ridiculous in the eyes of the world.

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Priorities

Reporter:

Let me get this straight, Prime Minister. We are allowing paedophiles, who pose a clear threat to children, to walk free from court, escaping a custodial sentence. But a journalist who listens to some rather mundane voice messages left by members of the Royal Family is locked up. Is that correct?

Tony: Yes.

Reporter: Could you explain that policy to us, please?

Tony: Our priority is the welfare of the Royal Family. We said our priority was children but we obviously didn't mean it.

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Adopting The Position

Tony: The position is this. There will be no exemptions for any Adoption Agencies. Except where a Gay couple is also a Catholic couple. Then they should follow their own consciences. OK? Is that clear? And, no, I'm not a member of Opus Dei. And I'm not intending to convert to Catholicism.

Cherie: Ahem.

Tony: Yet.

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State Of The Onion

George:
Fellow Americans.
We all love our automobiles. And gasoline consumption in our country is running at 120%. So I propose to reduce that consumption - by 20% over the next ten years. Then it will be down to 100%. This will help the eco-structure of the planet, reduce harmful emissions and please statisticians everywhere.

Additionally, I intend that our country should reduce invasions of other countries by 20%. OK, I know what people will say: this will mean more of our troops at home thus increasing gasoline consumption. But I say to those people: Hey, those are the breaks, kid.

Finally, I intend to reduce the number of States by 20%. This involves painful decsions, of course, but it means that we are going to have to let the people of the several States* of the United Kingdom go it alone and finally become a fully independent country.They deserve our gratitude, but once Tony steps down we'd never be able to count on the unwavering support of that dumb Scotch guy they're bringing in.

*According to Mr. Bush, the 12 States that represent the 20% reduction are: England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Isle of Man, Channel Islands, Liverpool, Essex, Isle of Dogs, Greenham Common, France, Europe.

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John Reid's Ship Comes In [Again]

Beachcombing scavengers on the Devon Coast were surprised to find that several containers, from the stricken vessel MSC Naploli, contained people. Believing they were illegal immigrants the authorities were alerted and the police mounted an operation to cordon off the beach and question the suspects. They all turned out to be British and residents of Her Majesty's Prisons.

Apparently the Home Office, in its increasingly desperate attempts to keep the prison population under control, has been hiring containers, filling them with prisoners and leaving them to serve their sentences sailing back and forth across the oceans.

The prisoners have been offered various inducements, thought to be remission of sentence, cash bonus on release, extra cigarette rations and the chance to appear on a new reality TV Show - Big Porridge.

When Home Secretary John Reid was asked if this is what he meant by purchasing prison ships he replied: "People shouldn't jump to the wrong conclusions here. The literally hundreds of containers on this ship contained a great variety of goods from motorbikes to nappies. We mustn't get things out of proportion. Only a very tiny percentage contained people".

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Hilary Rodham Clinton - Come On Down!

Hilary: I am announcing today my candidacy for the Democratic Nomination for the President of the United States of America! I'm in! And I'm in to win!

Reporter: Mrs. Clinton, is there any truth in the rumour that Monica Lewinsky is to be your running mate?

Hilary: Close. But no cigar.

[ca va Mb - pour tu - à coup sûr]

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A Game Of Two Halves

John:

I can today announce a new initiative at the Home Office. It is going to be split into to two distinct parts. The first will deal with everything that the Home Office currently deals with. The second, which will have the same budget, the same number of civil servants and the same number of Home Office Ministers, will deal with all the mistakes that the first part makes.

By the way - I've hurt my finger. Has anyone got a plaster?

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Crime Prevention Officers

Police in Hertfordshire have surrounded a House after reports that one of the Housemates was being stabbed by up to three others. A police spokesman said that when one of the alleged stabbers left the house in a couple of days then the police would interview her.

When it was suggested that surely prevetion was better than cure and shouldn't the police intervene imediately to prevent further stabbings occurring, the spokesman said:

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Uniform November Tango Foxtrot Alpha Charlie Echo.

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