Frog Blog 9: Local Execution Results

FROG: Gozza, why are you whistling? You've been slaughtered at the polls!


GOZZA: Yes, Frog. But I've just got my new Artic Monkeys cd.


FROG: Oh.


GOZZA: Croak. Big croak.

© BLOGONYMOUS

Handbags At [Gordon's] Dawn

So, after ten years of Tony Blair's New Labour project it can all be encapsulated in one succinct, catch-all, revealing sound-bite:

"In the end it all comes down to how much you are prepared to spend on a handbag"

Harriet Harman: fifty quid.

Hazel Blears: two hundred and fifty quid.

John Prescott: depends who its for - wife or mistress.

© BLOGONYMOUS

Glad To See Andy Duncan's Retained His Sensitivity

Andy:

So, everyone, after the Celebrity Big Brother racism row I would just like to say:

1: Sorry.

2: Really sorry.

3. No, really, we're really really sorry and nothing like it will happen again.

And I can announce that we will be showing explicit pictures of Princess Diana in the immediate aftermath of her fatal crash on a programme next week.

© BLOGONYMOUS

Too Goody To Be True

Reporter:

How are you enjoying India, Jade?

Jade:

I'm here on a private visit, for four days. People have been really nice out here.
It's private and there's no cameras or anything. I've paid for the trip myself. That's all I want to say.

Reporter:

And where are you going next, Jade?

Jade:

Oh, I'm just going to join the dogs and eat with my fingers down in Poppadom City.

© BLOGONYMOUS

Waiting For Gordo

Rory: Mrs. Beckett? This is Rory Bremner here. I just wanted to 'phone up and apologise...

Margaret: Oh, stop it, Gordon! I know it's you!

© BLOGONYMOUS

Every Home Should Have One

Endemol, the company that makes Big Brother, has seen its shares leap by 10% since the row about racism erupted.

After a hastily covened board meeting today, a spokesman made the following statement:

"Due to the obvious popularity of the Big Brother format and the dynamic tension created amongst the Housmates with the ensuing highly desirable public debate about important issues in our society, Endemol is pleased to announce that it it will be piloting three new shows this year. Working titles of these three shows are:

• It'll Be All White On The Night.



• Never Mind The Muslims



• Segregation Street

I am quite sure that these new shows will earn their rightful place in the affections of the Great British viewing public in the same way that Big Brother has done".

Channel Four, which has seen the Celebrity Big Brother ratings soar, has announced that it will not now be comissioning the new show Spot The Racist. This is due to Channel Four Board Member Lord Putnam's intervention, who is quoted as saying: "The British Public would not want to see the victimsation, or the perceived victimsation, of racists in such a format".

© BLOGONYMOUS

Goody Gum Drops

Jade:

I'm the 25th most influential person in the world, apparently.

And here's that list you've all been waiting for...!

25: Jade Goody

24: The Cat in the Flintstones

23: Alf Garnett

22: The Security Guard outside the BB House door

21: A cocktail sausage

20: The ghost of Enoch Powell

19: Shilpa Shetty's third Handmaiden

18: Teddy Sheringham

17: Michael Jackson's Plastic Surgeon

16: Max Clifford

15: Sven Goran Erikson

14: Pete Best or Pete Docherty or some other loser

called Pete

13: Lord Lucan

12: Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards

11: Ronnie O'Sullivan's Press Agent

10: Harold Pinter's Milkman

9: The Little Man who sits on Tony's bed and

whispered in his ear "Invade Iraq"

8: Max Clifford

7: Jade's Elocution Teacher

6: P.W. Botha

5: a Banana. Or a Monkey Chant

4: George Galloway's cat

3: Borat

2: The Man who thought it would be clever to

swap an "H" for a "B"

1: Nelson Mandela

[No... just kidding...]

1: Andy Duncan

© BLOGONYMOUS

Crime Prevention Officers

Police in Hertfordshire have surrounded a House after reports that one of the Housemates was being stabbed by up to three others. A police spokesman said that when one of the alleged stabbers left the house in a couple of days then the police would interview her.

When it was suggested that surely prevetion was better than cure and shouldn't the police intervene imediately to prevent further stabbings occurring, the spokesman said:

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Uniform November Tango Foxtrot Alpha Charlie Echo.

© BLOGONYMOUS

Rivers Of Blood

It has been reported that the Offices of Channel 4 have been broken into. Items stolen include Channel 4 boss Andy Duncan's polo shirt and a file containing information about the next Celebrity Big Brother. Clebrities already signed up so far are said to be

Nick Griffen and Diane Abbott.

© BLOGONYMOUS

Celebrity Little Englander

Reporter: Mr. Brown, you say that you would like Britain to be seen as against racism and intolerance . Do you think Jade Goody would agree with you?

Gordon: Well of course not. She's English.

© BLOGONYMOUS

The Acceptable Face Of Racism

Indian Reporter: Mr. Duncan, as Chief Executive of Chanel Four, are you happy with all the content of Celebrity Big Brother?

Andy: Absolutely. Yes.

Indian Reporter: You find no racist elements in the treatment of Shilpa in the House?

Andy: Not at all. No.

Indian Reporter: Doesn't that suggest, because you can't recognise the racist content, that you yourself are a racist, Mr. Duncan?

Andy: Look, I'm not prepared to take lessons on racism from any brown-skinned, low-life Paki, like you. OK?

© BLOGONYMOUS

Gods Of The Lesser Children

News that protestors have been burning

Big Brother effigies

on the streets of India

have sparked fears that when

the effigies living in

the Big Brother House

get out

they might also get burnt.

© BLOGONYMOUS

Big Brother Is Watching You, Mr. Reid

John: I'm afraid I have some more bad news to announce. Through some fault in the Home Office filing system - which really is not fit for purpose [what the fuck Blunkett was doing here all those years is a matter for speculation] - it has come to our attention that a further category of criminals has slipped through the net. Apparently, one of the Big Brother cotestants has been in the House before. This is obviously totally unacceptable and I am going to put measures in place to ensure it can't happen again. Public security is paramount. I'm afraid, at present, the Home Office represents all that is bad about this country.

© BLOGONYMOUS

There's No Taxes Like Stealth Taxes...

On the Ninth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Nine Middle Class Taxes

Eight Asylum Seekers [per hour]
Seven Vats of Whitewash

Six Bursting Prisons
Five Golden Spins

Four thousand ASBO's
Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett Sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Job Hunting

Tony:

Robin, If I promise you a peerage,

do you think I could become a

Bee Gee?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Pic acknowledgement: Dave Brown [The Independent]

Touching Up The Lib-Dem's Image

Sir Ming Campbell

has announced a new initiative to counter his "boring fuddy-duddy image".

The Cheeky Boys - a new novelty-pop-vocal duo featuring Mark Oaten & Lembit Opik will introduce all the leader's public appearances with a rendition of their new record:

"The Cheeky Boys [Touch My Bum]"

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

God's Gift To Children

Michael:

Hey! You down there! Can you hold out a child to catch my Blanket?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Marry In Haste....

Macca: I believe that these are private matters that should be conducted in secret and that everyone should behave with dignity.

Reporter: So, Sir Paul, what do you make of Heather's physial abuse allegations?

Macca: Well, that's as dignified as she can get.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

There [Was] Only One Miss England

Reporter: Miss Lloyd, What do you feel about being stripped of your title?

Danielle: Well, I've stripped for Teddy, I've striped for Playboy so I might as well strip for England, as well, eh? A-Choo. Sorry. All this stripping's given me a bit of a cold.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Snow White Wedding

Pete: [down on one knee] Hey, Kate, babe, will you, er... sort of marry me, whaddya think, eh?

Kate: Yeah, like, probably... whatever. What are you doin' down there, Pete?

Pete: Jus kneelin' on this papperazzi's head.

Kate: Hey, cool.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006