Glad To See Andy Duncan's Retained His Sensitivity

Andy:

So, everyone, after the Celebrity Big Brother racism row I would just like to say:

1: Sorry.

2: Really sorry.

3. No, really, we're really really sorry and nothing like it will happen again.

And I can announce that we will be showing explicit pictures of Princess Diana in the immediate aftermath of her fatal crash on a programme next week.

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For Grandma And Country

Harry in combat gear

In a written answer in the Commons, Secretary of State for Defence, Des Browne, confirmed that the 1600 troops to be withdrawn from Iraq soon will be replaced by 1600 bodyguards, minders, batmen and secret service agents who will accompany Prince Harry wherever he goes in Iraq on his tour of duty.

When asked whether it might be cheaper to keep the Prince at home,
Mr. Browne replied:
"Well, it's the night clubs - they've requested he be sent so that they can have some
much needed R&R".

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Priorities

Reporter:

Let me get this straight, Prime Minister. We are allowing paedophiles, who pose a clear threat to children, to walk free from court, escaping a custodial sentence. But a journalist who listens to some rather mundane voice messages left by members of the Royal Family is locked up. Is that correct?

Tony: Yes.

Reporter: Could you explain that policy to us, please?

Tony: Our priority is the welfare of the Royal Family. We said our priority was children but we obviously didn't mean it.

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Liz Comes Clean At Last

Elizabeth:

And finally, I would like to say that my husband,

Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh,

was absolutely not in any way responsible

for the Death of Diana, Princess of Wales.

I was.

And a Merry Christmas to you all.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

The Kirkwhelpington Detective Agency Strikes Again!

Lord Stevens of Kirkwhelpington calls for Brian Barwick to give himself up.

Reporter: Lord Stevens, in the last week you have published two inqury reports which cost millions. Were they worth it?





Lord Stevens: Of course. How else would we have known that Henri Paul was a drunk Football Agent who was trying to lure Princess Diana away from Chelsea to Paris St. Germain?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

The Conspiracy Is Dead: Long Live The Conspiracy

Stevens: So my conclusion is that Princess Diana's death was a tragic accident.

Express Reporter: Did you trace the driver of the white Fiat Uno?

Stevens: No.

Express Reporter: So you can't rule out the possibility that the white Fiat Uno was being driven by Elvis Presley?

Stevens: No. I can't rule that out.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Queen's Speech

Elizabeth:

My Government:

• will make a complete pig's ear out of the prison system.

My Government:

• will create a monumental shambles out of immigration policy.

My Government:

• will continue to totally fuck up Iraq.

But don't blame me. I'm just a little rich girl.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Charles & Camilla's Adventures in Pakistan

Charles: Camsy, luv, I know we're in Pakistan and this is traditional dress but no-one's going to recognise us. We'll have to take them off.

Camilla: Not until I've sorted my hair out, OK Chazza?

Charles: You know best, Camsy.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006