Honest John

H.O. Official: Home Secretary, the whole of the Harmondsworth Immigration Removal Centre has been gutted. What are we going to do with the 5oo detainees?

John: Send in excavators. Dig a big hole in the excercise yard, dump them in it and fill it in. Make sure there's an airspace embargo in place while you're doing it.

H.O. Official: You mean bury them, Home Secretary? Isn't that a bit extreme?

John: The Home Office has been burying the immigration figures for years. All we're doing is burying the immigrants instead. It's a much more honest approach.

H.O. Official: I suppose so. Do we machine-gun them first?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Religious Tolerance

Benedict:

Thank you for such a warm welcome to Turkey. Turkey is a great country. In fact it is my third favourite country in the whole world!

And Muslims? I love Muslims. In fact Islam is my second favourite religion in all the world! People think I hate Islam: I don't hate Islam!

I just hate Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists, Rastafarians, Scientologists, any Christians besides RC and I have a particular loathing for those irritating Jehovah's Witnesses who come banging on the door of the Vatican every few weeks and try and tell ME about God.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Trip Of A Lifetime

Teacher: Right, Children. This is the itinerary for next week's trip.

1. First stop Afghanistan to check on the opium trade.


2. Those who don't get shot there will move on to Iraq to spend a day shadowing the new security forces.


3. Any lucky ones who escape being blown up will travel on to Lebanon to take part in - yes, you've guessed it - what you've all been waiting for! - the great Cluster Bomb Hunt.

Please tell your parents that thorough risk assessments have been carried out and that you are much more likely to be run over by a bus than have an accident on a School Trip. Questions? Yes, Johnny?

Child: Is the bus driver Tony Blair?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Slave To Politics [This Is Not An Apology]

" The Government Protects Slaves"

Tony:

I wish to express my deep sorrow at our involvement in slavery, a profoundly shameful episode in our history.

To keep Gordon as my personal number-crunching slave for almost ten years, only allowing him out occasionally to utter bland platitudes, is obviously very regrettable and my only excuse is that the bastard deserves everything he gets.

And he won't be getting the Prime Ministership. Because he thinks it's his right but slaves don't have rights. Especially if they don't keep their mouths shut and do as they're fucking-well told. Thank you.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Global Village Idiot

George: Uh-huh. Tony. How are you? How's Scheherazade?

Tony: Hello, George . You mean Cherie. She's fine. We're fine.

George: Good. I hear one of your citizens has been given radiation poisoning. Do we know who did it?

Tony: We think it's Putin.

George: Really? Do you want me to bomb him? Just say the word and I'll nuke the bastard. That'll show those pesky Iranians. I'm getting fed up...

Tony: George. Putin is the president of Russia. Not Iran.

George: Really? Well we can't bomb the Russians. That could de-stabilise the whole region. And South America's far too close to home.

Tony: [sigh] Yes, George.

George: I tell you what we could do, though. We could send over Condolisa Rice. That always scares the shit out of them. Quite frankly, Tony - off the record - she always scares the shit ot of me, too.

[ca va Mb - pour tu]

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Mixed Messages

Tony: Er... Patricia...?

Patricia: Prime Minister. How can I help?

Tony: Look, Patricia, we really must do something about these mixed wards.

Patricia: No worries, Prime Minister. It's all under control.

Tony: Yes, but a friend of mine went into hospital yesterday and he woke up to find the ward was full of Conservatives.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Rallying The Troops

Soldier: Good morning, Prime Minister. Welcome to Afghanistan!

Tony: Thank you very much. I must say I'm a little surprised to see only one of you here.

Soldier: Ah, that's because there's only one British soldier per 900 square miles in Helmand province. And I'm the one for this 900!

Tony: I see.

Soldier: Jump in the jeep and we should meet another one this time the day after tomorrow.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Just Not Cricket

Reporter: What do you think are our chances of retaining the Ashes, Prime Minister?

Tony: Well, you know it is not our instinct to cut and run. We've started on a certain course, there are problems, of course; the opposition is well-practised and ruthless and there are plenty of people who wish us to wave the white flag. But we will fight on and when we prevail, we will consolidate and build for the future securing peace and security.

Reporter: Er... I was talking about the cricket: not the ashes of Iraq.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

The Big Decisions

Tessa: Gordon, could you tell me whether the Olympics will have to pay VAT, please?

Gordon: Er... no. I can't tell you that.

Tessa: Oh. Right. Could you tell me, then, how much the government is planning to contribute to the re-generation scheme?

Gordon: Er... no. I can't tell you that.

Tessa: OK. Could you tell me if you're going to be a good Prime Minister?

Gordon: Er... no. I can't tell you that.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

God's Gift To Children

Michael:

Hey! You down there! Can you hold out a child to catch my Blanket?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Queen's Speech

Elizabeth:

My Government:

• will make a complete pig's ear out of the prison system.

My Government:

• will create a monumental shambles out of immigration policy.

My Government:

• will continue to totally fuck up Iraq.

But don't blame me. I'm just a little rich girl.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Democracy

George: Fellow Americans, having consulted with the Iraq Study Group, I can now announce new initiatives which I am certain will solve all the difficulties we are presently experiencing.

• First: we will install Coca-Cola fountains in every square, in every city, town and village in Iraq. We extend a welcome to all Insurgents to come and get their free Coca-Cola.
  
• Second: we will open a Macdonalds on every street in every city, town and village in Iraq. Every Insurgent who puts down his weapons will be given a free Big Mac each week for life.
  
• Third: we will distribute the full back catalogue of Disney films to every community, free of charge, so that all citizens of the new Iraq can learn for themselves, first hand, what the values of a truly free democracy are built on.
  

I believe this will solve the problems of Iraq at a stroke. God bless you. God Bless America. [I mean our God, of course]. Thank you.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Legacy

At the going down of the sun

and in the morning -

REMEMBER ME

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Reviewing The Situation

George: Uh-huh. Tony? How are you?

Tony: Fine George, fine.

George: Good! And Charlie?

Tony: You mean Cherie. She's fine, too George.

George: Good, good. Look, Tony. We're reaching out for some new ideas on the Iraq situation. I wondered if you had anything to add to the mix. We need a new strategy. Any ideas?

Tony: Well George, why don't we re-name it?

George: Re-name it? I'm not sure I follow.

Tony: Call Iraq something different. A new country. Then it won't be our problem. And if anyone tries to blame us for Iraq we can say "Iraq doesn't exist". It won't mar my - our - legacy.

George: That's brilliant! Well done, Tony. What shall we call it?

Tony: Neverland.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Shock & Awe

Reporter: Mr. Rumsfeld, do you think your sacking is an acknowledgement that your policy in Iraq has failed?

Donald: What policy?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Facing Facts

Laura: It's not raining, George.

George: I know that, Laura. This is not an umbrella.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Bay Watch 1

Reporter: Mr. President, do you think that the existence of Guantanamo Bay might help the Democrats in this election?

George: No, sir. They don't get the vote in Guantanamo.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

All The Small Things

Saddam: And another thing: I need extra dye for my beard as well.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Geting Shot Of Him

Ed: He's guilty and they're going to hang him. So, Gozza, they're finally getting rid of the vile dictator.

Gordon: Run that past me again, Ed. How did they manage that?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Marry In Haste....

Macca: I believe that these are private matters that should be conducted in secret and that everyone should behave with dignity.

Reporter: So, Sir Paul, what do you make of Heather's physial abuse allegations?

Macca: Well, that's as dignified as she can get.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Bloke Next Door

Reporter: Chancellor, how do you respond to the latest figures that show that evictions and mortgage repossessions have jumped by 22% between July and September?

Gordon: Just the one eviction too few, I would suggest.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

There [Was] Only One Miss England

Reporter: Miss Lloyd, What do you feel about being stripped of your title?

Danielle: Well, I've stripped for Teddy, I've striped for Playboy so I might as well strip for England, as well, eh? A-Choo. Sorry. All this stripping's given me a bit of a cold.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Legal Niceties

Judge: Mr. Griffin, you are charged with using words or behaviour intended to stir up racial hatred. How do you plead?

Nick: Not guilty, M'Lud.

Judge: Mr. Griffin, the alternative charge is that you used words or behaviour likely to stir up racial hatred. How do you plead?

Nick: Not guilty, M'Lud.

Judge: Mr. Griffin, if you were to be charged with using words or behaviour that very definitely will stir up racial hatred, how would you plead?

Nick: Very definitely guilty, M'Lud!

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006