Hypocrisy: Who's Over The Limit?

The Minister for Hypocrisy checks how many fingers she has after another night's binge-drinking.



"Maybe its our Anglo-Saxon mentality. We actually enjoy getting drunk," Labour Party chair Hazel Blears told the Sunday Times in an interview.

Ms Blears continued: "People go out binge-drinking and do all sorts of stupid things like ending up on picket lines protesting about hospital closures when they are actually responsible for the NHS cuts themselves. It's irresponsible."

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Prison...? It's A Riot.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Six bursting prisons

Five Golden Spins
Four thousand ASBO's

Three Cherie faux pas
Two Blunkett sackings
And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

End Of The Baghdad Blagger

Executioner: Any last requests?

Saddam: Yes, please. Could you show me a Weapon of Mass Destruction? I've always wondered what they look like.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Job Hunting

Tony:

Robin, If I promise you a peerage,

do you think I could become a

Bee Gee?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Pic acknowledgement: Dave Brown [The Independent]

The Show Isn't Over Till The Fat Cat Labour Spins

On the Fifth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Five Golden Spins

Four thousand ASBO's
Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

'Asbeens' ASBO's

On the Fourth Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Four thousand ASBO's

Three Cherie faux pas
Two Blunkett sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Cherie Shows Her Bloomers in Public [Again]

On the Third Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett sackings
And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Pic acknowledgement: Tattyworld [www.tattyworld.org]

Staying Alive

In a statement, Prime Minister Tony Blair denied that his wife, Cherie, was at the controls of the 747 as it overshot the runway at Miami airport today. He also said that it was "pure speculation" that President Bush was standing on the tarmac waiting to greet the Blairs.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Nobody Says It Better...

George: I would like to pay my respects to former President Gerald Ford, without whom, of course, the automobile would not have been invented.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Blair Bans Mad Machine-Gunner

On the Second Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Two Blunkett sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Pic acknowledgement: banksy [pic 2]

Christmas Cheer

On the First Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Liz Comes Clean At Last

Elizabeth:

And finally, I would like to say that my husband,

Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh,

was absolutely not in any way responsible

for the Death of Diana, Princess of Wales.

I was.

And a Merry Christmas to you all.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

The Knight Before Christmas

Dear Father Christmas,

Please could you drop a large sack of money down the chimney of the Labour Party Offices. In return I can absolutely guarantee that you will be

Sir Santa

before next Christmas.

OK?

yours ever, Tony.

[PS Don't mention this to anyone]

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

A Special Kind Of Sorry

Jose: I wish to apologise for saying that Andy Johnson of Everton is a diver.

I also wish to apologise for

• the Holocaust


• Britain's involvement in the Slave Trade


• And for being Portuguese

Anything else will have to wait for my next apology which is scheduled for April 1st next year.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

The Kirkwhelpington Detective Agency Strikes Again!

Lord Stevens of Kirkwhelpington calls for Brian Barwick to give himself up.

Reporter: Lord Stevens, in the last week you have published two inqury reports which cost millions. Were they worth it?





Lord Stevens: Of course. How else would we have known that Henri Paul was a drunk Football Agent who was trying to lure Princess Diana away from Chelsea to Paris St. Germain?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

A Thinly Veiled Threat

Reporter: After the events of recent weeks in Ipswich does the Chief Constable intend to put in measures to increase protection for prostitutes?

Police Spokesman: Yes, indeed. He has already instructed one of our WPC's to hand out free condoms.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

In Bed With A Superpower

Blair defends close ties to U.S

DUBAI/LONDON (Reuters) -

Prime Minister Tony Blair defended his nation's close alliance with the United States on Tuesday and dismissed charges that the relationship has damaged Britain's credibility in the Middle East.

Tony: Yes, we do have a very special relationship with the USA. We love them: they screw us.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Touching Up The Lib-Dem's Image

Sir Ming Campbell

has announced a new initiative to counter his "boring fuddy-duddy image".

The Cheeky Boys - a new novelty-pop-vocal duo featuring Mark Oaten & Lembit Opik will introduce all the leader's public appearances with a rendition of their new record:

"The Cheeky Boys [Touch My Bum]"

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Return To The Comfort Zone

Police Spokesman: With the arrest of a 37 year-old man today in connection with the murder of five prostitutes I would like to reassure all the girls that it is perfectly safe to walk the streets of Ipswich again now. You can be comforted by the fact that all the regular pimps, pushers, addicts, weirdos, winos, sadists, sexual deviants, perverts, exponents of rough sex, wife-beaters and personality difficient psychos will be there to give you succour and treat you in the manner to which you have become accustomed.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Harriet Announces Job Cuts...

Reporter: Is it true that you think men who pay for sex should be criminalised?

Harriet: Yes. And also men who pay for peerages, and men who pay for inquiries that are then abandoned. No, just kidding!

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

National Insecurity

Reporter: Prime Minister, may I ask why the corruption inquiry into the Saudi defence deal was halted?

Tony: The problem with that inquiry was that it was getting too near the truth. Now my Government has had an excellent record with inquiries - we've had some superb cover-ups, some outstanding whitewash, some phenomenal spin and some plain, bog-standard lies. Now I am not going to put that wonderful record - the envy of our oponents - at risk beacuse some Zealot in the Serious Fraud Office wants to make a name for himself. OK?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

The Conspiracy Is Dead: Long Live The Conspiracy

Stevens: So my conclusion is that Princess Diana's death was a tragic accident.

Express Reporter: Did you trace the driver of the white Fiat Uno?

Stevens: No.

Express Reporter: So you can't rule out the possibility that the white Fiat Uno was being driven by Elvis Presley?

Stevens: No. I can't rule that out.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Helping With Enquiries

Policeman: Prime Minister: do excuse me for having to ask you this. Have you ever offered a peerage to anyone in return for a contribution to the Labour Party?

Tony: Yes.

Policeman: You have...?

Tony: Yes, I have.

Policeman: I see. Could you provide details, please, Prime Minister?

Tony: I offered Gordon a peerage if he would resign, as a contribution to the future success of the Party.

Policeman: And what did he say?

Tony: Fuck off Tony you can go to hell ha ha ha I'm going to have you're job so screw you and screw your legacy.

Policeman: I see.

Tony: And that's your future Prime Minister for you.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Identity Crisis

Reporter: Prime Minister, what are your thoughts on the tornado that hit Kensal Rise?

Tony: No warning, came out of nowhere, caught residents completely off their guard: what further evidence do people want to convince them of the need for identity cards?

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Normal Service Is Resumed

George: Well, Tony, that seemed to go pretty well.

Tony: You're right, George, it did.

George: We managed to convince everyone that we're going to act on the Iraq Study Group's proposals.

Tony: Well, George, you know what I always say: Just Keep Smiling.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Cheer Leaders

George:

Give us an "I"!

Tony:

"I"!

George:

Give us an "R"!

Tony:

"R"!

George:

Give us an "A"!

Tony:

"A"!

George:

Give us a "Q"!

Tony:

"Q"!

George:

What have we got?

Iraq Study Group:

A complete fucking mess.

Powder Kegs

Buncefield - Oil Depot

• Massive explosion, fire.
• Fortuitously, no fatalities. A few minor injuries. Extensive damage to homes, businesses and property; many people evacuated.
  
• Enquiry status: Ongoing.

Ringmer - Fireworks Factory.

• Fire triggering multiple explosions.
• Tragically, two fatalities. 11 people injured. Some damage to homes and property. Some people evacuated.
  
  
• Enquiry status: Launched Immediately.

Iraq - War Zone.

• Multiple explosions, fires
• 126 British Soldiers killed. 2,897 U.S. Soldiers killed. Several hundred thousand Iraqis killed. Massive devastation to homes and property. Countless people evacuated.

• Enquiry status: Not Deemed Necessary.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Collective Responsibility

Tony:

Right, Cabinet, could all colleagues indicate in the usual way whether they would like tea, please.

OK, good - no dissenters. So everyone supports replacing Trident then. Next item...

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Waste Disposal

If you chew gum, here's a good tip:

• When you've finished chewing and want to get rid of it, stick it on the nearest chair, table or anywhere else that comes to hand or just spit it out onto the pavement.
  
• Don't worry.... someone else will clear up your mess.
  

If you smoke, here's a good tip:

• When you've finished, chuck the butt on the floor [stamping it out is optional], or flick it with your fingers several yards away or, best of all, if you're driving, open the window and let it fly away.
  
• Don't worry... someone else will clean up your mess.
  

If you've got an army, here's a good tip:

• Make sure it's under-strength and ill-equipped , split it up and send it off to some hot, dusty, faraway places and let it get shot at, bombed and accused of war crimes.
  
• Don't worry... someone else will clear up your mess, Tony.
  

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006

Road Pricing

Proposed Maximum Charges:

• A and B roads throughout the UK: 20p per mile.
• All Motorways throughout the UK: £100 per month.
• The Road to Peace in Iraq: one thousand British lives.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006