Blogonymous

Handbags At [Gordon's] Dawn

So, after ten years of Tony Blair's New Labour project it can all be encapsulated in one succinct, catch-all, revealing sound-bite:

"In the end it all comes down to how much you are prepared to spend on a handbag"

Harriet Harman: fifty quid.

Hazel Blears: two hundred and fifty quid.

John Prescott: depends who its for - wife or mistress.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, That's Showbiz

How Now Browne Kow-Tow

Des:

So I can announce the new rules on combat troops and the press:

Any member of the armed forces wounded, captured or held hostage will not be allowed to benefit from their ordeal by sellng their story to the press.

Any fatality, though, will be allowed to sell their story to the press. To this end the Ministry of Defence will retain a list of approved Medium's to facilitate this process.

Yes, I'm back.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, Whitewash

Waiting For Gordo

Rory: Mrs. Beckett? This is Rory Bremner here. I just wanted to 'phone up and apologise...

Margaret: Oh, stop it, Gordon! I know it's you!

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, That's Showbiz

The View From The Home Office

John: These letter bombs are very worrying. They are obviously being sent by someone with a bit of a grudge against the motoring authorities.

Reporter: Home Secretary, isn't it more likely to be a complete fucking madman with a psychotic passion for harming his fellow human beings?

John: Well, at the Home Office we take a more relaxed view about these things.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire

Bidding Goodbye

Tony:

Look, everyone. This is getting really serious. The Police are arresting people right left and centre and I'm going to be subjected to questioning, like a common criminal, for a third time. How the hell could they possibly have got on to us?

Lord Levy:

Well, Tony. Er... I think it was your idea... er... the idea to sell the Honours on ebay that was the er... fly in the ointment, so to speak.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, Whitewash

Forward Planning

The No. 10 door is taken away for a new coat of whitewash

Cherie: Tone, Babe, what happens if Lord Levey, Ruth Turner, Des Smith - and even you - are convicted of this cash for honours thing?

Tony: It's OK, Chezza. We've thought of that. We've filled the prisons so full that there won't be any room for us.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, Whitewash

Register Of Members

Official: Now, you are being placed on the Sex Offenders' Register. Do you understand?

Paedo: Yes.

Official: That means we require to know your permanent address. OK?

Paedo: Yes. It's 2, Marsham Street, London, SW1P 4DF

Official: Good. Is there a house name at all?

Paedo: Yes. The Home Office.

Official: Thank you. Is there any one who can vouch for your movements there?

Paedo: Yes. Mr. J. Reid.

Official: Excellent! That all seems to be in order. Just let us know if you move, OK? Any questions.

Paedo: Yes, I do actually. How long do I stay on the Register?

Official: What Register?

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Inside Tracking, Political Satire, Whitewash

Not Me, Guv

Police have had their knuckles rapped for not chasing thieves who escaped on two stolen motorbikes because "the thieves weren't wearing helmets".
A twelve-year old girl has received a $50 fine from Kent County Council because she didn't collapse a cardboard box that she left by a re-cycling unit.
A Westminster man has got off scot-free despite allowing the contents of his home office to spill out over the country confusing everyone and making us look ridiculous in the eyes of the world.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, Whitewash

Priorities

Reporter:

Let me get this straight, Prime Minister. We are allowing paedophiles, who pose a clear threat to children, to walk free from court, escaping a custodial sentence. But a journalist who listens to some rather mundane voice messages left by members of the Royal Family is locked up. Is that correct?

Tony: Yes.

Reporter: Could you explain that policy to us, please?

Tony: Our priority is the welfare of the Royal Family. We said our priority was children but we obviously didn't mean it.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Inside Tracking, Political Satire, Royal Watch

Adopting The Position

Tony: The position is this. There will be no exemptions for any Adoption Agencies. Except where a Gay couple is also a Catholic couple. Then they should follow their own consciences. OK? Is that clear? And, no, I'm not a member of Opus Dei. And I'm not intending to convert to Catholicism.

Cherie: Ahem.

Tony: Yet.

Labels: Beyond Belief, Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, Whitewash

State Of The Onion

George:
Fellow Americans.
We all love our automobiles. And gasoline consumption in our country is running at 120%. So I propose to reduce that consumption - by 20% over the next ten years. Then it will be down to 100%. This will help the eco-structure of the planet, reduce harmful emissions and please statisticians everywhere.

Additionally, I intend that our country should reduce invasions of other countries by 20%. OK, I know what people will say: this will mean more of our troops at home thus increasing gasoline consumption. But I say to those people: Hey, those are the breaks, kid.

Finally, I intend to reduce the number of States by 20%. This involves painful decsions, of course, but it means that we are going to have to let the people of the several States* of the United Kingdom go it alone and finally become a fully independent country.They deserve our gratitude, but once Tony steps down we'd never be able to count on the unwavering support of that dumb Scotch guy they're bringing in.

*According to Mr. Bush, the 12 States that represent the 20% reduction are: England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Isle of Man, Channel Islands, Liverpool, Essex, Isle of Dogs, Greenham Common, France, Europe.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Greenish Days, Political Satire

John Reid's Ship Comes In [Again]

Beachcombing scavengers on the Devon Coast were surprised to find that several containers, from the stricken vessel MSC Naploli, contained people. Believing they were illegal immigrants the authorities were alerted and the police mounted an operation to cordon off the beach and question the suspects. They all turned out to be British and residents of Her Majesty's Prisons.

Apparently the Home Office, in its increasingly desperate attempts to keep the prison population under control, has been hiring containers, filling them with prisoners and leaving them to serve their sentences sailing back and forth across the oceans.

The prisoners have been offered various inducements, thought to be remission of sentence, cash bonus on release, extra cigarette rations and the chance to appear on a new reality TV Show - Big Porridge.

When Home Secretary John Reid was asked if this is what he meant by purchasing prison ships he replied: "People shouldn't jump to the wrong conclusions here. The literally hundreds of containers on this ship contained a great variety of goods from motorbikes to nappies. We mustn't get things out of proportion. Only a very tiny percentage contained people".

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Inside Tracking, Political Satire

A Game Of Two Halves

John:

I can today announce a new initiative at the Home Office. It is going to be split into to two distinct parts. The first will deal with everything that the Home Office currently deals with. The second, which will have the same budget, the same number of civil servants and the same number of Home Office Ministers, will deal with all the mistakes that the first part makes.

By the way - I've hurt my finger. Has anyone got a plaster?

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, Whitewash

Celebrity Little Englander

Reporter: Mr. Brown, you say that you would like Britain to be seen as against racism and intolerance . Do you think Jade Goody would agree with you?

Gordon: Well of course not. She's English.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, That's Showbiz

Charlie takes His Customary Constitutional

The Rt Hon Lord Falconer of Thoroton QC

Secretary of State for Constitutional Affairs

and Lord Chancellor

Charlie:

On this day, the three hundredth anniversary of the Act of Union, I would like to lend my support to the view that the Union today is as strong as it's ever been. As evidence of that I would like to announce the result of a poll I have conducted. The idea of an English Parliament has been totally and unanimously rejected by the large, representative sample of the population I polled:

the inhabitants of West Lothian.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, Whitewash

Big Brother Is Watching You, Mr. Reid

John: I'm afraid I have some more bad news to announce. Through some fault in the Home Office filing system - which really is not fit for purpose [what the fuck Blunkett was doing here all those years is a matter for speculation] - it has come to our attention that a further category of criminals has slipped through the net. Apparently, one of the Big Brother cotestants has been in the House before. This is obviously totally unacceptable and I am going to put measures in place to ensure it can't happen again. Public security is paramount. I'm afraid, at present, the Home Office represents all that is bad about this country.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville, Political Satire, That's Showbiz

Running Down The Country

Ruth: Cow!

Hazel: Bitch!

Ruth: Tart!

Hazel: Git!

Tony: Girls, girls, calm down! What on earth's the matter, babes?

Ruth: I should be Minister for Hypocrisy. I'm much better qualified than her.

Hazel: No you're not! I'm the incumbent so fuck off! The Ministry of Hypocrisy is mine. Keep your hands off. Go back to the Ministry for Buzz Words, Buzzy-body!

Ruth: Fuckwit!

Tony: Now hold on. Look Ruth, I really need you to continue at Buzz Words because you are very definitely the best in the business.

Ruth: Thank you, Tony.

Tony: But what we can do is this. We can make you the Minister for Shafting The Public as well. How about that?

Ruth: Minister for Buzz Words AND Shafting The Public? Excellent. Thank you, Tony.

Hazel: What about me?

Tony: And, Hazel, you can be Minister for Hypocrisy and Taking The Voters For Granted.

Hazel: Wonderful, Tony. Thank you. Happy now, Ruth?

Ruth: Evidence-diversity-separation-ecological-globalisation-integration-cohesion-rapidly-changing-cultural...

Tony/Hazel: Yeah, thanks Ruth. Catch you later. [exit]

Ruth: ...community-public-services-essential-services-critical-services-neighbourhood-devolution-difference-hospitalsjobsschools-geo-cities-geo-politics-geo-blancmange.

Labels: Countdown To Brownsville