How Now Browne Kow-Tow

Des:

So I can announce the new rules on combat troops and the press:

Any member of the armed forces wounded, captured or held hostage will not be allowed to benefit from their ordeal by sellng their story to the press.

Any fatality, though, will be allowed to sell their story to the press. To this end the Ministry of Defence will retain a list of approved Medium's to facilitate this process.

© BLOGONYMOUS

Yes, I'm back.

Naming Of The Beast

Cameron: It was only a little bit

Reporter: Mr. Cameron, can you tell us, please, did you smoke cannabis when you were at Eton?

David: Well, we used to call it Whiffombulus-Spliffabees so if I did, it wouldn't count anyway.

Reporter: And did you use cocaine when you were at Oxford?

David: Well, again, we used to call it Snortlelee-Chortlelee and therefore even if I did it wouldn't count.

Reporter: When you worked for the Conservative Research Unit did you take ecstasy?

David: You mean Crazy-Floaty-Candy Stuff? How the fuck should I know? I was so off my face by then that I can't remember what I did take or didn't take.

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Bidding Goodbye

Tony:

Look, everyone. This is getting really serious. The Police are arresting people right left and centre and I'm going to be subjected to questioning, like a common criminal, for a third time. How the hell could they possibly have got on to us?

Lord Levy:

Well, Tony. Er... I think it was your idea... er... the idea to sell the Honours on ebay that was the er... fly in the ointment, so to speak.

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Forward Planning

The No. 10 door is taken away for a new coat of whitewash

Cherie: Tone, Babe, what happens if Lord Levey, Ruth Turner, Des Smith - and even you - are convicted of this cash for honours thing?

Tony: It's OK, Chezza. We've thought of that. We've filled the prisons so full that there won't be any room for us.

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Register Of Members

Official: Now, you are being placed on the Sex Offenders' Register. Do you understand?

Paedo: Yes.

Official: That means we require to know your permanent address. OK?

Paedo: Yes. It's 2, Marsham Street, London, SW1P 4DF

Official: Good. Is there a house name at all?

Paedo: Yes. The Home Office.

Official: Thank you. Is there any one who can vouch for your movements there?

Paedo: Yes. Mr. J. Reid.

Official: Excellent! That all seems to be in order. Just let us know if you move, OK? Any questions.

Paedo: Yes, I do actually. How long do I stay on the Register?

Official: What Register?

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Not Me, Guv

• Police have had their knuckles rapped for not chasing thieves who escaped on two stolen motorbikes because "the thieves weren't wearing helmets".
• A twelve-year old girl has received a $50 fine from Kent County Council because she didn't collapse a cardboard box that she left by a re-cycling unit.
• A Westminster man has got off scot-free despite allowing the contents of his home office to spill out over the country confusing everyone and making us look ridiculous in the eyes of the world.

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Adopting The Position

Tony: The position is this. There will be no exemptions for any Adoption Agencies. Except where a Gay couple is also a Catholic couple. Then they should follow their own consciences. OK? Is that clear? And, no, I'm not a member of Opus Dei. And I'm not intending to convert to Catholicism.

Cherie: Ahem.

Tony: Yet.

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A Game Of Two Halves

John:

I can today announce a new initiative at the Home Office. It is going to be split into to two distinct parts. The first will deal with everything that the Home Office currently deals with. The second, which will have the same budget, the same number of civil servants and the same number of Home Office Ministers, will deal with all the mistakes that the first part makes.

By the way - I've hurt my finger. Has anyone got a plaster?

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Charlie takes His Customary Constitutional

The Rt Hon Lord Falconer of Thoroton QC

Secretary of State for Constitutional Affairs

and Lord Chancellor

Charlie:

On this day, the three hundredth anniversary of the Act of Union, I would like to lend my support to the view that the Union today is as strong as it's ever been. As evidence of that I would like to announce the result of a poll I have conducted. The idea of an English Parliament has been totally and unanimously rejected by the large, representative sample of the population I polled:

the inhabitants of West Lothian.

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Dreaming Of a White Legacy

On the Seventh Day of Christmas my Tony sent to me:

Seven vats of whitewash

Six bursting prisons
Five Golden Spins

Four thousand ASBO's
Three Cherie faux pas

Two Blunkett sackings

And Gordon Brown stuck up a gum tree.

© BLOGONYMOUS 2006