Too Goody To Be True

Reporter:

How are you enjoying India, Jade?

Jade:

I'm here on a private visit, for four days. People have been really nice out here.
It's private and there's no cameras or anything. I've paid for the trip myself. That's all I want to say.

Reporter:

And where are you going next, Jade?

Jade:

Oh, I'm just going to join the dogs and eat with my fingers down in Poppadom City.

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Waiting For Gordo

Rory: Mrs. Beckett? This is Rory Bremner here. I just wanted to 'phone up and apologise...

Margaret: Oh, stop it, Gordon! I know it's you!

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For Grandma And Country

Harry in combat gear

In a written answer in the Commons, Secretary of State for Defence, Des Browne, confirmed that the 1600 troops to be withdrawn from Iraq soon will be replaced by 1600 bodyguards, minders, batmen and secret service agents who will accompany Prince Harry wherever he goes in Iraq on his tour of duty.

When asked whether it might be cheaper to keep the Prince at home,
Mr. Browne replied:
"Well, it's the night clubs - they've requested he be sent so that they can have some
much needed R&R".

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Naming Of The Beast

Cameron: It was only a little bit

Reporter: Mr. Cameron, can you tell us, please, did you smoke cannabis when you were at Eton?

David: Well, we used to call it Whiffombulus-Spliffabees so if I did, it wouldn't count anyway.

Reporter: And did you use cocaine when you were at Oxford?

David: Well, again, we used to call it Snortlelee-Chortlelee and therefore even if I did it wouldn't count.

Reporter: When you worked for the Conservative Research Unit did you take ecstasy?

David: You mean Crazy-Floaty-Candy Stuff? How the fuck should I know? I was so off my face by then that I can't remember what I did take or didn't take.

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Card Fraud

Helen Starkey, Headteacher:

• Now children, we are not going to make Mother's Day cards just in case some of you don't have Mothers


• And we will not be making Easter cards just in case some of you eat too many Easter eggs and become obese.


• And we will not be making Christmas cards just in case some of you don't believe in Father Christmas.

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The View From The Home Office

John: These letter bombs are very worrying. They are obviously being sent by someone with a bit of a grudge against the motoring authorities.

Reporter: Home Secretary, isn't it more likely to be a complete fucking madman with a psychotic passion for harming his fellow human beings?

John: Well, at the Home Office we take a more relaxed view about these things.

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Bidding Goodbye

Tony:

Look, everyone. This is getting really serious. The Police are arresting people right left and centre and I'm going to be subjected to questioning, like a common criminal, for a third time. How the hell could they possibly have got on to us?

Lord Levy:

Well, Tony. Er... I think it was your idea... er... the idea to sell the Honours on ebay that was the er... fly in the ointment, so to speak.

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